Lots of people are adopting this new method to breakup with their partners
Jenna Birch of Yahoo Health explains
what the 'slow fade' is really all about and how lots of people are
adopting this new method to breakup with their partners in this modern
dating culture of the twenty-first century.
You’re
super excited about where things are headed. Maybe not to the altar —
no one can know that yet. (You’re not delusional!) But it seems like
this person would be a great plus-one for your cousin’s wedding in July,
or worthy of that extra $100 ticket you got to that concert in August.
You may have only been on a few dates, but they’ve all been practically
perfect. Things are looking good.
But then, suddenly, something shifts, out of nowhere — almost imperceptibly at first.
An
ignored text. An unreturned email. Excuses like, “I’ve just been so
busy at work.” A canceled date … and then another: “Sorry, I’m going out
of town.” No effort to reschedule.
Internally,
you’re panicking, because you’ve been here before. This is a slow fade,
you realize, and soon you know this person with the amazing potential
will be completely gone from your life — and there’s nothing you can do
to stop it.
“You will never get closure in these
types of situations, which is what almost everyone wants,” Boston-based
dating coach Neely Steinberg tells Yahoo Health. “It’s always, ‘Why did
you just disappear? I need to know!’”
It’s one of
the most frustrating aspects of modern dating culture: Disappearing is
easy, and it happens often. Fading out is the new quasi-breakup.
Truth #1: Slow fades happen when things start getting real.
You’re dating, having a fabulous time, and everything seems to be great, until:
1.
The other person suddenly realizes the relationship is going to
seriously evolve — like, imminently — unless he/she pumps the brakes.
2. The other person figures out he/she’s “just not that into you.”
Enter the slow fade.
“In
these situations, when one partner ‘needs’ more than the other
individual is willing or able to give, they find it easier to simply
begin backing away,” psychologist and counselor Karla Ivankovich, tells
Yahoo Health.
Often, the slow fader feels like he
or she is drowning. “Perhaps they were dating and then, at a certain
point, it’s obvious the other person starts having expectations about
the person and the relationship,” Steinberg says. “And the other person
has two choices: ‘OK, I’m in, let’s do this, let’s have a relationship!’
or, ‘Oh, shit, I’m not ready for a commitment,’ or, ‘I’m not sure about
this person,’ or, ‘I just don’t know what I want.’”
Rather
than communicate fears and concerns — not an easy conversation to have —
the slow fader gradually slips away, “so that the other person will get
the hint without having to have an open discussion,” says Steinberg.
She
also says that this is why a slow fader will often still show signs of
interest even as they’re disappearing, making the ultimate poof! moment
that much more confusing. “They are conflicted themselves,” Steinberg
says. “They want to know that you’re still there, that you’re still an
option, that the door hasn’t fully closed, just in case they have an
epiphany about you.” (Which they may, later on. We’ll get to that.)
Truth #2: Millennials are primed to pull a slow fade.
It’s
not you; it’s the generation. According to Ivankovich, millennials are
practically groomed to pull a slow fade. “There are two concepts I refer
to on a daily basis: ‘Our ADD Nation’ and ‘Our Disposable Society,’”
she says. “In the ‘ADD Nation,’ children are taught to jump from sport,
to activity, to interest, to academics, and to do so with intense
frequency. If you are not excelling at something, get rid of it.”
And
while nobody's perfect, we’re primed to think that we can always get
closer, do better, or find a better fit without putting in any
additional work. We think we can simply “trade up.” This is the idea
behind the concept of the “Disposable Society,” Ivankovich says.
“We
are more inclined to toss the item, or relationship, than to actually
put the time in to address the problem and fix it, especially with
relationships,” Ivankovich says. “As you can imagine, commitment is not
as important in this concept.”
Truth #3: That being said, it’s harder for millennials to truly fade out.
Blame
social media. It may seem easier “to do the slow fade for younger
people, who are more tapped into technology,” says Steinberg. “A few
less texts than normal, a few less emails than normal, and then slowly …
poof. But I think it’s also harder for younger people to truly vanish,
because they’re all on social media, which is actually one of the most
difficult things about the slow fade: They’re never really gone.”
This
is tough on their fadee — who’s left wondering what the heck went
wrong. “You can still see them and their activities on social media,”
Steinberg says. “You get caught up in the whole social-media stalking
thing, and that can hinder you from just moving on.”
But
that’s not all. Social media is also tough on the slow fader, and it’s
why he or she may just walk back into your life. If you’re living well,
looking good in those Instagram photos, or meeting someone new, they may
start to reconsider tossing you out. “Social media perpetuates the myth
that everyone is happy and living life to the fullest,” she says. “And
remember your grandmother’s old saying: You only want something when
someone else has it. We are a society of coveters, so imagine your
surprise when someone else has gladly engaged in a relationship with
what you previously tossed away.”
So should you give a slow fader a second chance?
Let’s
say a slow fader comes back from the dating graveyard. They say they’ve
made a big mistake, or maybe they simply ask you out again. But should
you actually entertain the notion of a relationship with this person?
Unfortunately,
there’s no easy answer here. “Sure, a person can be worth a second try
in some cases, but proceed with caution,” Steinberg says. “There needs
to be open and honest communication about what happened [and] how you
were hurt, and boundaries need to be set, communicated, and held to.”
“A sincere apology is nice, but their actions need to prove their words true,” Steinberg adds.
And
there’s certainly no guarantee they won’t fool you twice, which is why
Ivankovich is a skeptic. “Leopards don’t change their spots,” she says.
“Personalities are consistent over the course of a lifetime. If it
happened once, it will happen again.”
With all
that, Ivankovich says she is also a realist. “People get back together
because it is comfortable,” she explains. “The devil you know is far
easier to get back into bed with than the one you need to get to know. …
It’s a personal choice.”
If you do decide to
re-engage with a slow fader, you have to let go of the past and the way
it ended (or rather, faded). “It is not appropriate to go back into a
relationship ‘looking’ for the next time they screw up,” Ivankovich
says. “This is setting the relationship up for failure before it even
gets back in motion, so in order to make it work, there needs to be two
completely agreeable people.”
Only you can decide whether it’s worth it
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